You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I need a beard to bite.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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