Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
