You smell like stripper and shame
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
