the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
