They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
