Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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