I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
