I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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