The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
