Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
