I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
