Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
