yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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