tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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