I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
