my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
