I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
