the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
