Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
