I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dick very happy bro
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
