We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
