Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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