You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What a fucking waste of an outfit
this beer tastes like vomit already
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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