i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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