ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
