My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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