Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
