I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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