tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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