Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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