When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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