Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
