Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
