There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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