I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
