So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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