best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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