fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have aggressive nipples.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
