the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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