my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
