My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
