I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
