I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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