I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
