this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
