When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
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