alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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