This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
