What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
