I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
