I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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