The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
