Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
