I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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