This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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