Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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