My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
