btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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